This isn't him. Instead, we present a curmudgeonly yet congenial veteran of the U.S. Navy, retired Lt. Commander Ray Helms. Serving in the submarine force for more than 20 years, Helms was an enlisted man for the first 10, earning his commission as an officer (and only limited respect from his former fellow enlisted) the same year he met his future wife, Citizen Contributing Editor Lori Helms. Coincidence? We think not.

Helms recently took a break from his stressful job as a military leech, er, contractor, to report for duty as this week's Fellow Citizen.

What is your current state of mind?

Diagnosable!

What qualities do you value in a friend?

Loyalty, brutal honesty, and a keen sense of when and where to bury the bodies.

What do you regret about your youth?

That it was more than 35 years ago.

Which talent would you like most to have?

The ability to beat my son at "Call of Duty."

What is your favorite place?

Anywhere with my loving family. Okay, really, on the water with a cigar in one hand and a tiller in the other. Oh yeah, with my family next to me.

What would you do if you hit the lottery?

See above.

On what occasion do you lie?

An officer almost NEVER lies!

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Spending more than 22 years in the Navy and not getting caught.

What is your best quality?

Oh, where do I start? Yeah, I guess humility.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I can't think of anything, maybe better self-esteem.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Now if I told that, what would be the guilt in the pleasure?

What would you rather be doing right now?

Playing tennis with Trixie. She's the one who made me answer these questions.